Failing isn't always bad... right?

I have been dreading writing in here, mostly because I feel like I failed last month, but in my defense it was a busy month and ... well actually I don't really have a good enough (if there is such a thing) excuse for not completing my calorie counting in May.

I did start the month of with a 2.5 week long sinus infection, 2 trips to urgent care, so somewhere along the lines I stopped counting.  Mostly because I was barely eating.  Then the last half of the month we were packing and moving and unpacking.  So again I was barely eating and when we did... it was convenient fast food, and boy o boy did I pay for that fast food.  Upset stomach almost every day.

Also the weirdest thing happened, I had not had soda in over 2 months, first night in our house, as Brian and I are wobbling around because our feet and legs hurt so bad from moving, I ordered a pizza and Pepsi, gave in and drank it.  Then the next day had another soda, couple of hours later, on our way home from picking up our 6 year old basset hound, I felt really sick.  Got home, ran to the bathroom, and up came all that soda.  Haven't had a dark soda since.  That might just have been what the doctor ordered.  Now it might have even been the soda that made me sick or nauseous, but I tend to associate "experiences and or memories" with some type of food.  I am pretty sure I am not the only one.  So like in this instance, when I think, see, smell dark soda it keeps reminding me of getting sick.

Maybe this is where food for comfort comes from.  Cheesecake Factory puts a smile on face just thinking about it, because that is where Brian and I ate with my family when we got married.  Lumpia reminds me of home, tamales remind me of Christmas at my dads house, Famous Dave's reminds me of the night that Brian proposed to me.  I still remember the sandwich I had when I was with my sister in the hospital when she went into labor with my gorgeous little nephew.

I have noticed that when I am happy and everything is going great, then I eat less.  I am sure that there is some science behind all this, and I should probably read up on it, but at least I am noticing this.  So back to failing at something not always being bad.  I would rather have tried and failed than not try at all.  Just like love, better to have loved and lost, than to never love at all.  So I tried to count calories because I know it works, but I didn't follow through.  And I am well aware that just because I have things going on in my life isn't an excuse for not completing what is at hand.

Hopefully now that we are settled in, I can get back on track to complete my goals.  Brian and I have a big trip coming up and I want to sit comfortably on that flight to Hawaii comfortably.  Baby steps, Hawaii is the first goal, then I will work from there.  On a good note the 8 pounds that I lost in April I have kept off, wish I had lost more, but I have too look on the bright side and be happy that I didn't gain anything.

So here is trying again, and maybe again and again, but at least I am trying.  Its all I ever expect from the people in my life, that they try their best, so I guess its about time I do the same for me.

This month is brought to you by the letter M...

So last month was no eating out, which wasn't so bad.  Other than pizza and cheeseburgers, there wasn't much to miss, except for the convenience of food being ready so fast.  I did end the challenge a little sooner due to the fact that Brian and I took Travis to a hockey game during dinner time.  But I will brag about the fact that I have not had any soda in over a month and half.  Baby Steps.

So May will be brought to you by the letter M.  M is for My fitness pal.  Last January Brian and I decided that we were going to do my fitness pal, and when we stuck to it, we did really good and I lost 20 pounds in a little over 7 weeks.  But with stress and life changes, I didn't stick to it.  Sometimes I feel like that is the story of my life, not sticking to goals.  Like going back to school to try and get into nursing school, and dropping out after a year.  

But like I have been saying not this time.  I can't quit.  Or else it could be a matter of life or death.  Extreme, yes, but needed to be said.  So as I count my daily intake on my mobile app (oh how i appreciate technology), I hope to get to the point where I will no longer need to count every single thing I eat.

Now going back to the convenience of fast food/take out, I am honestly not a fan, because I love to cook.  Hate to cook in my tiny apartment kitchen, which why when Brian and I were looking for our first house to call home, all I was interested in was the kitchen.  It needed to be open, it needed to be big, it needed to have tons of counter space, it needed to be inviting, and it needed to be a place where I could work my magic and still see or be in sight of my family.  And the home that we are moving into in a few short weeks houses a kitchen that meets all those needs.  Yes, being able to decorate our spare room, and extra living room and den will be fun, just being in that kitchen is what I am excited about.  

Brian will probably never understand why I want an actual dining room, and why I want a table to seat at least 8.  I want to be able to cook and host dinners for family and friends.  That's my thing, I have always associated food with happiness or with a way to feel better.  That's how I got into this predicament.  I can remember growing up and always being around the kitchen when my grandma was cooking, or going home now for the holidays and hanging around the kitchen.  Its a place to gather, its a place to laugh and enjoy each others company.  

I have faith that my dear husband will get it one day, and understand, that is what makes me happy.  The time spent with friends and family and food.  Now to just change the food.  Make it good food.   Make it healthy food.

I will also have a workout buddy, being so close to Brian's sister, so now there will not be an excuse to not work out.  I have been reading up a lot, and everything suggests weights to burn more calories, now to just figure out how to lift correctly.  Looks like you tube will become a near and dear friend of mine.  As I am writing this, I am struggling to breath with my second sinus infection in a month, thinking how much more I would enjoy having a hard time breathing due to working out than being sick.

So back to May's new challenge, it does give me the opportunity to eat out, but a small meal somewhere could take up daily, and eating one small meal is not healthy.  But at least the option is there for me.  Just need to keep learning I can enjoy some of the things I like, just in smaller amounts.     Now I wonder if there is a way to get 0 calorie wine...

Temptations

In the words of the Temptations, "For once in my life I have someone who needs me.  Someone I needed so long.  For once unafraid, I can go where life leads me.  Some how I know I'll be strong"



Temptations are everywhere and come in all forms.  For me, they are the convenience of fast food.  When I thought I wanted to challenge myself a few weeks ago with not eating out in April, I didn't realize how much work it would take on resisting temptations.  I was not blessed with the self control that others might have, and I always gave in.  Which I tend to find a little humor in because I never have and never will succumb to other temptations like cheating, because I wouldn't want to put the ones I love through that, so why didn't I think the same about my eating habits.  I have been down this road before and if I am really serious about it, I can do well and lose weight, but once I stop caring, and get lazy again then the weight packs back on.

Right now. as hard as this is to admit, I am at my heaviest than I have ever been.  But since cutting out fast food and dining out, I have lost 3.5 pounds.  Not looking for a congratulations, save it for later :).  I have found that I have the hardest time when I am working 10-13 hour days to go home and cook, so I am learning to plan ahead and prepare meals in advance.  Now this may come as a shocker but I find myself NOT craving all the greasy foods that I once consumed weekly.  Don't get me wrong, pizza sounds good every now and then, big mac or fries sound good, but never tempting enough for me to break this.

I am a woman on a mission.  A mission of change.  A mission of having more self worth.  For once a mission to make sure that I am Happy.  (on a side note every time I hear or see the word happy, I sing this song in my head and sometimes out loud ha ha)

 Having coworkers involved with me, and challenging themselves, helps a great deal.  I have something to prove to these guys.  I feel that I have to let them know that I and determined to do this.  There will always be some type of temptation staring you right in the face, but the only way to defeat it, is to not give in and avoid it.  Each day it gets easier, each day I think about it less and less, each day I am prouder and prouder of myself.  Having gone through an out patient rehab myself, the one thing they teach you is that you need to not surround yourself with anything that will make you relapse.  Now mine was for drinking, and learning about myself and why I was drinking as much as I was.  I learned a lot, funny why I never applied those lessons to food.  But now I think about why I eat, what do I get out of it?  Why do I feel the need to clean my entire plate?  I am not even hungry most of the time.

I am a firm believer in that you can always improve yourself and relationships, so I have taken on a whole new hobby of self help books.  First one was for my marriage (5 Love Languages, which I am still trying to get my husband to read), and now some for cooking better.  Maybe all the money I am saving will now be spent in books :).  Here is the next one on the list:

Next week will be a true test when we take a short road trip to LA for Easter.  My poor dear husband wont be able to dine at his favorite restaurant in San Diego and I wont be able to taste the mouth watering lumpia that I crave every time I go home.  But I got this.  I haven't cheated once.  I barely even indulge in junk food that has been sitting in our pantry.  "Some how I know I'll be strong".

   

No fooling around

So as today marks day one, and other friends try to challenge themselves with me, I find it funny that people seem to be encouraging resturant dining and in agreeance with no fast food.  To me they are the same,  neither place you really know what you are getting, how it was made, what the kitchen looks like, and what the real cost of making it is.

This challenge for myself, along with helping to lose weight is to help me save money.  When I realize how much it costs to purchase food at a fast food joint and or sit down restaurant it makes me cry inside.  My hopes for the next month, will be to get the cravings out of my system, to reinvent my taste pallete, and to eat better.

Traditionally on my birthday, which just so happens to be today, I would normally dish out my debit card for a $50 meal at The Cheesecake Factory.  What the hell am I paying fifty dollars for?  Because all I order is a grilled chicken avocado club sandwhich (1400 calories), fries (690 calories), a side of ranch (80 calories) and cant forget the cheesecake (800-1200 calories), and thats just one meal.  So not only am I consuming enough calories for an entire day (and plus some), but I am also wasting my money.  I cant bring myself to do that to myself anymore, at least not on a regular basis.  Now I know someone might think, ok jennifer order something else.  Silly people, those things right there are the reasons I go there, and its just easier to not torture myself.

So to the ones out there that say "Olive Garden isnt fast food", correct but its not exactly any better for you or your wallet than McDonalds.  As the cravings get less and less, I am starting to wonder what is in fast food to make it so addictive.  Is it the convience?  Is it the sick feeling after eating like you just did something wrong?  Because I for one have never ever left a fast food joint thinking to myself, "man that was the best thing I have ever eaten".

In closing, for my birthday, my sister, got me a cookbook for meals that are 350 calories or less, and i will definately be sharing the ones that I try out.  So no more fooling me calorie loving stomach, this girls food for fuel brain is taking over.

My birthday wish this year is that not only will I be able to make a change in my life, but that I reach my goal... to be healthy.

Where is the husky section?

As I went to buy my 9 year old son new shorts, I knew that I had a big problem on my hands.  The only section of the boys department that would fit him, are the husky clothes, and I wasn't about to start shopping in the men's section yet.  I cried.  A lot.  In my car.  What kind of mother did I become, that I allowed fast food, ranch covered everything, candy, and soft drinks, among others become a staple in my sons diet?  A lazy one?  A bad one?  No.  Just a mother who at one point stopped caring about her own health, that she allowed it to trickle down into her son not caring either.  But then again is a child to supposed to care?  If I could go back in time, junk food would be one thing that I would have limited, possibly even not allowed to be in his diet.  But I cant go back in time, I can only go forward.

As my and I talked this past week about no fast food or soda next month, he actually seemed happy about it. Almost like he knew that I was doing this so that they could all live a better life.  Almost like he knew that I was doing this so that I could be around longer for him.  Almost like he knew we were going to be better off in the end.

I also knew I had a problem on my hands when he would order an adult meal at a fast food place, now I know I am the only one to blame for that.  Not only would he order it, he would eat the whole thing.  Why did I allow this?  Was it because I didn't want to hear the pouting or the arguing?  Which I am sure he got from me.  Hell I used to get mad if someone got my order wrong.  Now when I think back, I want to smack myself upside my head and say "Jenn pull yourself together ITS JUST food".  And it is, its just that.  But when if you were me (I don't want to say a bigger person, because I don't know if that is how everyone is), it might have made sense.

Vacations, birthdays, parties were all revolved around food.  Everything revolved around food.  Hell they even have TV channels just for food.  Every other commercial is about fast food.  Billboards are all about fast food.   From now on, fast food will mean fruits and vegetables, doesn't get much faster than that.  I am finally prepared for the battles and or tantrums from a 9 year old when I put my foot down.  I am prepared to stop shopping in the husky section for my 9 year old son.  I am prepared to be a better mother and wife.


I am prepared and understand that this will be a journey, a life changing one, but like this picture below says, I will not be fast, cheap, easy or fake... anymore.

 

Don't go breaking my heart...

Well as the days get closer and as I prepare myself for a change (and I am not a fan of change), I am starting to view this as a break up.  Its the same old "its not you its me" line.  Its not your fault food that I am this way, its my fault.  I allowed you to comfort me, I allowed you to deceive me, and worst of all I allowed you to control me.  So as we part ways, I am sure to remember the good times we had, but the feeling of regret and disgust after we were together, is what will get me through all this.  I don't blame you, I mean how could I, you were only doing what you thought you were supposed to do, and boy did you do it well.  


I was the girl that would go to the drive through and be so ashamed of all the food that I was ordering, that I would order 2 drinks so that the person taking my order would think that it wasn't all for me.  I was the girl that would elect to go on a food run for work, so that I could order an extra burger, devour it in my car, and then eat a meal with my coworkers when I got back into the office.  I was the girl that would sneak and lie about food.  Keyword, was... I was that girl.  I am no longer going to let myself be that girl.


So as we part ways, as we break up, I'll be OK, I will live without all the bad food in my life.  For once I will finally be eating to live, and not living to eat.  After meeting my now husband, 4 years ago, I now know I don't need food to comfort me, I just need love.  The only person that has actually ever put me down was my sons father, and it was only at the time that we were breaking up, did he call me names and tell me that no one would want me because of the way that I looked.  Well smack to your face, I am now happily married to the man of my dreams despite what I looked like.  And possibly the fact that my DH loves me for me, was a reason I didn't change my lifestyle, but when he so kindly sent me a message, trying to not hurt my feelings he said "I just want you to be healthy, I want you to be around for a very long time."  That's all I needed to hear.


So here goes... old food lifestyle... I'll be the "bad guy" here and say we are officially broken up.            

its time to come clean...

I am big, chunky, thick, chubby, curvy, overweight, large, a BBW, and last but not least fat.  There I said it, I am fat.  Wow, that was actually kind of hard to say.  I don't love the way I have become so unhealthy.  One might say that if you love yourself, you have to love everything, and I do not that think is true at all.  I love love love my inner self, I am proud of the woman that I have grown to be, the mother that I have become, but I am just not in love with the "temple" that I house all this awesomeness in.  

I never really was the fat girl, I might have been bigger, but I was curvy with a flat stomach.  I was active, I could dance all night in Mexico, I could run for quite awhile without getting tired, and I could shop in the cute section at department stores.  I would like to blame it on getting pregnant, but that was 10 years ago, so that cant be the problem.  I would like to blame it on PCOS (which I was diagnosed with about 6 years ago), I would like to blame it on healthy food costing so much, or me working to late into the night to cook, or it being cheaper to buy fast food.  But not once have I ever thought to blame myself.  Who would?  So its time to challenge myself, take the blame, and fix this problem I have become so accustomed to, its time to make myself healthy.

I am not on a kick to get skinny, I just want to be healthy.  I want to be able to walk up A flight of stairs, thats right just one flight, without losing my breath.  I want to be able to sit in an airplane seat comfortably.  I want to be able to go to an amusement park and not be afraid that I wont fit in the seats.  I want to be able to go to sleep not afraid that I will not wake up in the morning.  I want to be able to ride a horse.  I want to be able to play with my son outside, instead of suggesting he ask another kid because its too much to run around for me.  I want to be not fat.

So I have decided to kick off my birthday month, with one of many "challenges" that I plan to try.  April will be my no eating out challenge.  No fast food, my McDonalds cheeseburgers with Big Mac sauce, no Burger King whoppers, no Raising Canes chicken, no Filibertos tacos or burritos, nothing that will come to through a window or waiter.  Now I am not saying that this "no eating out" will be forever, no one should expect me to never eat out again.  Life happens, people get married, people have parties, people have birthdays, my husband takes me out, so I know there will be times that I will be dining out, so hopefully in the months to come I can learn to make smarter choices.  Not only will this benefit myself, it will also benefit my family.

Along with no eating out, I will also be doing a "wall sit" challenge.  So as I raise my water bottle, (and I just might be dreaming about mine being beer or wine, haha), I promise to myself that I will work on me, and I will work on making my body the best it can be.