Number overload

"You are so much more that the number you see on the scale"

Its a good thing I love math.

Its a good thing I understand math.

Not only is my work day constantly filled with numbers and math and problem solving, but now so are the weekends when it comes to food prepping.  After weeks of telling Brian that I wanted him to do the my fitness pal app with me again, I told him "I am going to start this on monday with or without you".  And low and behold he is joining me.

Like I have said we have done this in the past and it worked.  Unfortunately we did not stick with it, but we tried it, so we are going to try it again.

But the measuring, weighing, portioning and meal prepping is a bit overwhelming for me.  I am not used to having to cook my meals for the week and measure and weigh everything, but I know that I have to do this right from the beginning if I expect results.  And I can definately say that this will not work if you dont want it, because buying a frozen meal and poptarts are a lot easier than doing all this.  But honestly all that crap doesnt even fill you up, and I get why they are called empty calories.

I am very thankful to be doing this in a time where Pinterest is available and I can search just about anything and so many tips or blogs are at my fingertips.  I am also grateful for the other women out there who are going through this and being so upfront and honest about it with Facebook pages and Instagram accounts that I can follow.  It helps to know that I am not alone.  I don't have an ideal weight, because I am afraid that if I choose a number and never reach that goal then I will go back to closet or stress eating.

So I will take baby steps, and I will have to be ok with them, until this becomes more of normal lifestyle.  I told my dear husband that we are not dieting we are changing.  And change is good.

So for this week this is what I will be having:

Breakfast will be either 2/3 cups Special K protein cereal with 1/4 cup nonfat milk or 2/3 cups or scrambled eggs and diced potatoes with peppers and onions, 1/4 cup cheese, 2 strips of turkey bacon and 2 tablespoons of salsa.

Lunch will be 5oz of grilled chicken, 2/3 cups brown rice, 2/3 cups of carrots and hot sauce.

Dinner is TBD.

Snacks will be fruit, or 5 reduced fat ritz crackers with skinny cow cheese triangle, or skinny pop popcorn.

I am looking for ways to mix it up during the week so that I am not eating the same stuff over and over again, so any ideas are always welcome.

So here is to 3 pounds already lost in 5 days, I am sure just water weight but I will take it for now.

I am in a love hate relationship

That's right I am in a love hate relationship... with myself.  In this day and age where there is so much talk about no body shaming and loving the body that you have, I struggle.  

I am grateful and appreciate all that my body has done and currently does for me, but it doesn't mean I have to love it.  Yes I will always have stretch marks, or cellulite, or scars, but those can help remind me to be grateful that all my parts work.  I try really hard to look at things differently, like when my back hurts after cleaning the whole house or doing yard work, to be grateful that I have a home and yard to clean.  Or when my feet and legs are swollen from to much sun and flying, to be grateful that I had the opportunity to spend a week in Hawaii with family.  Or when my shoulders get sore, to be grateful that I am able to go outside and play basketball with my son and husband.  

I have been dreading the day where I got the courage to step on a scale and see where I was at.  Was it going to be as bad I feared?  Is it possible that the number hasn't changed much in the last year?  What am I going to do when I see the results?  What will people think when they know?  So this morning was the day I gathered up the courage and stepped on the scale (first thing in the morning and naked of course).  And then stepped in the shower wanting to cry and beat myself up.  But I didn't, I honestly thought about what I need to do.  

First thing I need to do is be honest and open, especially with my friends and my husband.  I don't know if these classify as an eating disorder, but I am a stress eater and a closet eater.  I eat and hide it.  Try to throw away wrappers so no one will see them.  I crave crap food when I am stressed or not feeling well, like its going to make something better.  I have a few friends that I can be very honest with and tell them what is going on, and I admit I have a problem, I know I have a problem, and usually end it with, well I could be worse.  So there is some honesty in the phrase "I could be worse", but I need to train myself that "I can be better" is a better approach. 

So back to this morning, as I patiently and nervously waited for the number to appear on the scale, dreading what it is going to show me, I looked in the mirror (and for one of the first times not in disgust) took a deep breath and looked down.  301.  What the hell.  When did that happen?  I didn't even weigh that much when I was pregnant with a 10 pound baby.  Last time I checked I was 286 and I was angry at that number.  Now I am furious.  I am sad.  I am disappointed.   I am determined.  I will not be the girl that cried wolf. 

*now to find the courage to hit publish...