Number overload

"You are so much more that the number you see on the scale"

Its a good thing I love math.

Its a good thing I understand math.

Not only is my work day constantly filled with numbers and math and problem solving, but now so are the weekends when it comes to food prepping.  After weeks of telling Brian that I wanted him to do the my fitness pal app with me again, I told him "I am going to start this on monday with or without you".  And low and behold he is joining me.

Like I have said we have done this in the past and it worked.  Unfortunately we did not stick with it, but we tried it, so we are going to try it again.

But the measuring, weighing, portioning and meal prepping is a bit overwhelming for me.  I am not used to having to cook my meals for the week and measure and weigh everything, but I know that I have to do this right from the beginning if I expect results.  And I can definately say that this will not work if you dont want it, because buying a frozen meal and poptarts are a lot easier than doing all this.  But honestly all that crap doesnt even fill you up, and I get why they are called empty calories.

I am very thankful to be doing this in a time where Pinterest is available and I can search just about anything and so many tips or blogs are at my fingertips.  I am also grateful for the other women out there who are going through this and being so upfront and honest about it with Facebook pages and Instagram accounts that I can follow.  It helps to know that I am not alone.  I don't have an ideal weight, because I am afraid that if I choose a number and never reach that goal then I will go back to closet or stress eating.

So I will take baby steps, and I will have to be ok with them, until this becomes more of normal lifestyle.  I told my dear husband that we are not dieting we are changing.  And change is good.

So for this week this is what I will be having:

Breakfast will be either 2/3 cups Special K protein cereal with 1/4 cup nonfat milk or 2/3 cups or scrambled eggs and diced potatoes with peppers and onions, 1/4 cup cheese, 2 strips of turkey bacon and 2 tablespoons of salsa.

Lunch will be 5oz of grilled chicken, 2/3 cups brown rice, 2/3 cups of carrots and hot sauce.

Dinner is TBD.

Snacks will be fruit, or 5 reduced fat ritz crackers with skinny cow cheese triangle, or skinny pop popcorn.

I am looking for ways to mix it up during the week so that I am not eating the same stuff over and over again, so any ideas are always welcome.

So here is to 3 pounds already lost in 5 days, I am sure just water weight but I will take it for now.

I am in a love hate relationship

That's right I am in a love hate relationship... with myself.  In this day and age where there is so much talk about no body shaming and loving the body that you have, I struggle.  

I am grateful and appreciate all that my body has done and currently does for me, but it doesn't mean I have to love it.  Yes I will always have stretch marks, or cellulite, or scars, but those can help remind me to be grateful that all my parts work.  I try really hard to look at things differently, like when my back hurts after cleaning the whole house or doing yard work, to be grateful that I have a home and yard to clean.  Or when my feet and legs are swollen from to much sun and flying, to be grateful that I had the opportunity to spend a week in Hawaii with family.  Or when my shoulders get sore, to be grateful that I am able to go outside and play basketball with my son and husband.  

I have been dreading the day where I got the courage to step on a scale and see where I was at.  Was it going to be as bad I feared?  Is it possible that the number hasn't changed much in the last year?  What am I going to do when I see the results?  What will people think when they know?  So this morning was the day I gathered up the courage and stepped on the scale (first thing in the morning and naked of course).  And then stepped in the shower wanting to cry and beat myself up.  But I didn't, I honestly thought about what I need to do.  

First thing I need to do is be honest and open, especially with my friends and my husband.  I don't know if these classify as an eating disorder, but I am a stress eater and a closet eater.  I eat and hide it.  Try to throw away wrappers so no one will see them.  I crave crap food when I am stressed or not feeling well, like its going to make something better.  I have a few friends that I can be very honest with and tell them what is going on, and I admit I have a problem, I know I have a problem, and usually end it with, well I could be worse.  So there is some honesty in the phrase "I could be worse", but I need to train myself that "I can be better" is a better approach. 

So back to this morning, as I patiently and nervously waited for the number to appear on the scale, dreading what it is going to show me, I looked in the mirror (and for one of the first times not in disgust) took a deep breath and looked down.  301.  What the hell.  When did that happen?  I didn't even weigh that much when I was pregnant with a 10 pound baby.  Last time I checked I was 286 and I was angry at that number.  Now I am furious.  I am sad.  I am disappointed.   I am determined.  I will not be the girl that cried wolf. 

*now to find the courage to hit publish...  

Failing isn't always bad... right?

I have been dreading writing in here, mostly because I feel like I failed last month, but in my defense it was a busy month and ... well actually I don't really have a good enough (if there is such a thing) excuse for not completing my calorie counting in May.

I did start the month of with a 2.5 week long sinus infection, 2 trips to urgent care, so somewhere along the lines I stopped counting.  Mostly because I was barely eating.  Then the last half of the month we were packing and moving and unpacking.  So again I was barely eating and when we did... it was convenient fast food, and boy o boy did I pay for that fast food.  Upset stomach almost every day.

Also the weirdest thing happened, I had not had soda in over 2 months, first night in our house, as Brian and I are wobbling around because our feet and legs hurt so bad from moving, I ordered a pizza and Pepsi, gave in and drank it.  Then the next day had another soda, couple of hours later, on our way home from picking up our 6 year old basset hound, I felt really sick.  Got home, ran to the bathroom, and up came all that soda.  Haven't had a dark soda since.  That might just have been what the doctor ordered.  Now it might have even been the soda that made me sick or nauseous, but I tend to associate "experiences and or memories" with some type of food.  I am pretty sure I am not the only one.  So like in this instance, when I think, see, smell dark soda it keeps reminding me of getting sick.

Maybe this is where food for comfort comes from.  Cheesecake Factory puts a smile on face just thinking about it, because that is where Brian and I ate with my family when we got married.  Lumpia reminds me of home, tamales remind me of Christmas at my dads house, Famous Dave's reminds me of the night that Brian proposed to me.  I still remember the sandwich I had when I was with my sister in the hospital when she went into labor with my gorgeous little nephew.

I have noticed that when I am happy and everything is going great, then I eat less.  I am sure that there is some science behind all this, and I should probably read up on it, but at least I am noticing this.  So back to failing at something not always being bad.  I would rather have tried and failed than not try at all.  Just like love, better to have loved and lost, than to never love at all.  So I tried to count calories because I know it works, but I didn't follow through.  And I am well aware that just because I have things going on in my life isn't an excuse for not completing what is at hand.

Hopefully now that we are settled in, I can get back on track to complete my goals.  Brian and I have a big trip coming up and I want to sit comfortably on that flight to Hawaii comfortably.  Baby steps, Hawaii is the first goal, then I will work from there.  On a good note the 8 pounds that I lost in April I have kept off, wish I had lost more, but I have too look on the bright side and be happy that I didn't gain anything.

So here is trying again, and maybe again and again, but at least I am trying.  Its all I ever expect from the people in my life, that they try their best, so I guess its about time I do the same for me.

This month is brought to you by the letter M...

So last month was no eating out, which wasn't so bad.  Other than pizza and cheeseburgers, there wasn't much to miss, except for the convenience of food being ready so fast.  I did end the challenge a little sooner due to the fact that Brian and I took Travis to a hockey game during dinner time.  But I will brag about the fact that I have not had any soda in over a month and half.  Baby Steps.

So May will be brought to you by the letter M.  M is for My fitness pal.  Last January Brian and I decided that we were going to do my fitness pal, and when we stuck to it, we did really good and I lost 20 pounds in a little over 7 weeks.  But with stress and life changes, I didn't stick to it.  Sometimes I feel like that is the story of my life, not sticking to goals.  Like going back to school to try and get into nursing school, and dropping out after a year.  

But like I have been saying not this time.  I can't quit.  Or else it could be a matter of life or death.  Extreme, yes, but needed to be said.  So as I count my daily intake on my mobile app (oh how i appreciate technology), I hope to get to the point where I will no longer need to count every single thing I eat.

Now going back to the convenience of fast food/take out, I am honestly not a fan, because I love to cook.  Hate to cook in my tiny apartment kitchen, which why when Brian and I were looking for our first house to call home, all I was interested in was the kitchen.  It needed to be open, it needed to be big, it needed to have tons of counter space, it needed to be inviting, and it needed to be a place where I could work my magic and still see or be in sight of my family.  And the home that we are moving into in a few short weeks houses a kitchen that meets all those needs.  Yes, being able to decorate our spare room, and extra living room and den will be fun, just being in that kitchen is what I am excited about.  

Brian will probably never understand why I want an actual dining room, and why I want a table to seat at least 8.  I want to be able to cook and host dinners for family and friends.  That's my thing, I have always associated food with happiness or with a way to feel better.  That's how I got into this predicament.  I can remember growing up and always being around the kitchen when my grandma was cooking, or going home now for the holidays and hanging around the kitchen.  Its a place to gather, its a place to laugh and enjoy each others company.  

I have faith that my dear husband will get it one day, and understand, that is what makes me happy.  The time spent with friends and family and food.  Now to just change the food.  Make it good food.   Make it healthy food.

I will also have a workout buddy, being so close to Brian's sister, so now there will not be an excuse to not work out.  I have been reading up a lot, and everything suggests weights to burn more calories, now to just figure out how to lift correctly.  Looks like you tube will become a near and dear friend of mine.  As I am writing this, I am struggling to breath with my second sinus infection in a month, thinking how much more I would enjoy having a hard time breathing due to working out than being sick.

So back to May's new challenge, it does give me the opportunity to eat out, but a small meal somewhere could take up daily, and eating one small meal is not healthy.  But at least the option is there for me.  Just need to keep learning I can enjoy some of the things I like, just in smaller amounts.     Now I wonder if there is a way to get 0 calorie wine...

Temptations

In the words of the Temptations, "For once in my life I have someone who needs me.  Someone I needed so long.  For once unafraid, I can go where life leads me.  Some how I know I'll be strong"



Temptations are everywhere and come in all forms.  For me, they are the convenience of fast food.  When I thought I wanted to challenge myself a few weeks ago with not eating out in April, I didn't realize how much work it would take on resisting temptations.  I was not blessed with the self control that others might have, and I always gave in.  Which I tend to find a little humor in because I never have and never will succumb to other temptations like cheating, because I wouldn't want to put the ones I love through that, so why didn't I think the same about my eating habits.  I have been down this road before and if I am really serious about it, I can do well and lose weight, but once I stop caring, and get lazy again then the weight packs back on.

Right now. as hard as this is to admit, I am at my heaviest than I have ever been.  But since cutting out fast food and dining out, I have lost 3.5 pounds.  Not looking for a congratulations, save it for later :).  I have found that I have the hardest time when I am working 10-13 hour days to go home and cook, so I am learning to plan ahead and prepare meals in advance.  Now this may come as a shocker but I find myself NOT craving all the greasy foods that I once consumed weekly.  Don't get me wrong, pizza sounds good every now and then, big mac or fries sound good, but never tempting enough for me to break this.

I am a woman on a mission.  A mission of change.  A mission of having more self worth.  For once a mission to make sure that I am Happy.  (on a side note every time I hear or see the word happy, I sing this song in my head and sometimes out loud ha ha)

 Having coworkers involved with me, and challenging themselves, helps a great deal.  I have something to prove to these guys.  I feel that I have to let them know that I and determined to do this.  There will always be some type of temptation staring you right in the face, but the only way to defeat it, is to not give in and avoid it.  Each day it gets easier, each day I think about it less and less, each day I am prouder and prouder of myself.  Having gone through an out patient rehab myself, the one thing they teach you is that you need to not surround yourself with anything that will make you relapse.  Now mine was for drinking, and learning about myself and why I was drinking as much as I was.  I learned a lot, funny why I never applied those lessons to food.  But now I think about why I eat, what do I get out of it?  Why do I feel the need to clean my entire plate?  I am not even hungry most of the time.

I am a firm believer in that you can always improve yourself and relationships, so I have taken on a whole new hobby of self help books.  First one was for my marriage (5 Love Languages, which I am still trying to get my husband to read), and now some for cooking better.  Maybe all the money I am saving will now be spent in books :).  Here is the next one on the list:

Next week will be a true test when we take a short road trip to LA for Easter.  My poor dear husband wont be able to dine at his favorite restaurant in San Diego and I wont be able to taste the mouth watering lumpia that I crave every time I go home.  But I got this.  I haven't cheated once.  I barely even indulge in junk food that has been sitting in our pantry.  "Some how I know I'll be strong".

   

No fooling around

So as today marks day one, and other friends try to challenge themselves with me, I find it funny that people seem to be encouraging resturant dining and in agreeance with no fast food.  To me they are the same,  neither place you really know what you are getting, how it was made, what the kitchen looks like, and what the real cost of making it is.

This challenge for myself, along with helping to lose weight is to help me save money.  When I realize how much it costs to purchase food at a fast food joint and or sit down restaurant it makes me cry inside.  My hopes for the next month, will be to get the cravings out of my system, to reinvent my taste pallete, and to eat better.

Traditionally on my birthday, which just so happens to be today, I would normally dish out my debit card for a $50 meal at The Cheesecake Factory.  What the hell am I paying fifty dollars for?  Because all I order is a grilled chicken avocado club sandwhich (1400 calories), fries (690 calories), a side of ranch (80 calories) and cant forget the cheesecake (800-1200 calories), and thats just one meal.  So not only am I consuming enough calories for an entire day (and plus some), but I am also wasting my money.  I cant bring myself to do that to myself anymore, at least not on a regular basis.  Now I know someone might think, ok jennifer order something else.  Silly people, those things right there are the reasons I go there, and its just easier to not torture myself.

So to the ones out there that say "Olive Garden isnt fast food", correct but its not exactly any better for you or your wallet than McDonalds.  As the cravings get less and less, I am starting to wonder what is in fast food to make it so addictive.  Is it the convience?  Is it the sick feeling after eating like you just did something wrong?  Because I for one have never ever left a fast food joint thinking to myself, "man that was the best thing I have ever eaten".

In closing, for my birthday, my sister, got me a cookbook for meals that are 350 calories or less, and i will definately be sharing the ones that I try out.  So no more fooling me calorie loving stomach, this girls food for fuel brain is taking over.

My birthday wish this year is that not only will I be able to make a change in my life, but that I reach my goal... to be healthy.

Where is the husky section?

As I went to buy my 9 year old son new shorts, I knew that I had a big problem on my hands.  The only section of the boys department that would fit him, are the husky clothes, and I wasn't about to start shopping in the men's section yet.  I cried.  A lot.  In my car.  What kind of mother did I become, that I allowed fast food, ranch covered everything, candy, and soft drinks, among others become a staple in my sons diet?  A lazy one?  A bad one?  No.  Just a mother who at one point stopped caring about her own health, that she allowed it to trickle down into her son not caring either.  But then again is a child to supposed to care?  If I could go back in time, junk food would be one thing that I would have limited, possibly even not allowed to be in his diet.  But I cant go back in time, I can only go forward.

As my and I talked this past week about no fast food or soda next month, he actually seemed happy about it. Almost like he knew that I was doing this so that they could all live a better life.  Almost like he knew that I was doing this so that I could be around longer for him.  Almost like he knew we were going to be better off in the end.

I also knew I had a problem on my hands when he would order an adult meal at a fast food place, now I know I am the only one to blame for that.  Not only would he order it, he would eat the whole thing.  Why did I allow this?  Was it because I didn't want to hear the pouting or the arguing?  Which I am sure he got from me.  Hell I used to get mad if someone got my order wrong.  Now when I think back, I want to smack myself upside my head and say "Jenn pull yourself together ITS JUST food".  And it is, its just that.  But when if you were me (I don't want to say a bigger person, because I don't know if that is how everyone is), it might have made sense.

Vacations, birthdays, parties were all revolved around food.  Everything revolved around food.  Hell they even have TV channels just for food.  Every other commercial is about fast food.  Billboards are all about fast food.   From now on, fast food will mean fruits and vegetables, doesn't get much faster than that.  I am finally prepared for the battles and or tantrums from a 9 year old when I put my foot down.  I am prepared to stop shopping in the husky section for my 9 year old son.  I am prepared to be a better mother and wife.


I am prepared and understand that this will be a journey, a life changing one, but like this picture below says, I will not be fast, cheap, easy or fake... anymore.