Where is the husky section?

As I went to buy my 9 year old son new shorts, I knew that I had a big problem on my hands.  The only section of the boys department that would fit him, are the husky clothes, and I wasn't about to start shopping in the men's section yet.  I cried.  A lot.  In my car.  What kind of mother did I become, that I allowed fast food, ranch covered everything, candy, and soft drinks, among others become a staple in my sons diet?  A lazy one?  A bad one?  No.  Just a mother who at one point stopped caring about her own health, that she allowed it to trickle down into her son not caring either.  But then again is a child to supposed to care?  If I could go back in time, junk food would be one thing that I would have limited, possibly even not allowed to be in his diet.  But I cant go back in time, I can only go forward.

As my and I talked this past week about no fast food or soda next month, he actually seemed happy about it. Almost like he knew that I was doing this so that they could all live a better life.  Almost like he knew that I was doing this so that I could be around longer for him.  Almost like he knew we were going to be better off in the end.

I also knew I had a problem on my hands when he would order an adult meal at a fast food place, now I know I am the only one to blame for that.  Not only would he order it, he would eat the whole thing.  Why did I allow this?  Was it because I didn't want to hear the pouting or the arguing?  Which I am sure he got from me.  Hell I used to get mad if someone got my order wrong.  Now when I think back, I want to smack myself upside my head and say "Jenn pull yourself together ITS JUST food".  And it is, its just that.  But when if you were me (I don't want to say a bigger person, because I don't know if that is how everyone is), it might have made sense.

Vacations, birthdays, parties were all revolved around food.  Everything revolved around food.  Hell they even have TV channels just for food.  Every other commercial is about fast food.  Billboards are all about fast food.   From now on, fast food will mean fruits and vegetables, doesn't get much faster than that.  I am finally prepared for the battles and or tantrums from a 9 year old when I put my foot down.  I am prepared to stop shopping in the husky section for my 9 year old son.  I am prepared to be a better mother and wife.


I am prepared and understand that this will be a journey, a life changing one, but like this picture below says, I will not be fast, cheap, easy or fake... anymore.

 

Don't go breaking my heart...

Well as the days get closer and as I prepare myself for a change (and I am not a fan of change), I am starting to view this as a break up.  Its the same old "its not you its me" line.  Its not your fault food that I am this way, its my fault.  I allowed you to comfort me, I allowed you to deceive me, and worst of all I allowed you to control me.  So as we part ways, I am sure to remember the good times we had, but the feeling of regret and disgust after we were together, is what will get me through all this.  I don't blame you, I mean how could I, you were only doing what you thought you were supposed to do, and boy did you do it well.  


I was the girl that would go to the drive through and be so ashamed of all the food that I was ordering, that I would order 2 drinks so that the person taking my order would think that it wasn't all for me.  I was the girl that would elect to go on a food run for work, so that I could order an extra burger, devour it in my car, and then eat a meal with my coworkers when I got back into the office.  I was the girl that would sneak and lie about food.  Keyword, was... I was that girl.  I am no longer going to let myself be that girl.


So as we part ways, as we break up, I'll be OK, I will live without all the bad food in my life.  For once I will finally be eating to live, and not living to eat.  After meeting my now husband, 4 years ago, I now know I don't need food to comfort me, I just need love.  The only person that has actually ever put me down was my sons father, and it was only at the time that we were breaking up, did he call me names and tell me that no one would want me because of the way that I looked.  Well smack to your face, I am now happily married to the man of my dreams despite what I looked like.  And possibly the fact that my DH loves me for me, was a reason I didn't change my lifestyle, but when he so kindly sent me a message, trying to not hurt my feelings he said "I just want you to be healthy, I want you to be around for a very long time."  That's all I needed to hear.


So here goes... old food lifestyle... I'll be the "bad guy" here and say we are officially broken up.            

its time to come clean...

I am big, chunky, thick, chubby, curvy, overweight, large, a BBW, and last but not least fat.  There I said it, I am fat.  Wow, that was actually kind of hard to say.  I don't love the way I have become so unhealthy.  One might say that if you love yourself, you have to love everything, and I do not that think is true at all.  I love love love my inner self, I am proud of the woman that I have grown to be, the mother that I have become, but I am just not in love with the "temple" that I house all this awesomeness in.  

I never really was the fat girl, I might have been bigger, but I was curvy with a flat stomach.  I was active, I could dance all night in Mexico, I could run for quite awhile without getting tired, and I could shop in the cute section at department stores.  I would like to blame it on getting pregnant, but that was 10 years ago, so that cant be the problem.  I would like to blame it on PCOS (which I was diagnosed with about 6 years ago), I would like to blame it on healthy food costing so much, or me working to late into the night to cook, or it being cheaper to buy fast food.  But not once have I ever thought to blame myself.  Who would?  So its time to challenge myself, take the blame, and fix this problem I have become so accustomed to, its time to make myself healthy.

I am not on a kick to get skinny, I just want to be healthy.  I want to be able to walk up A flight of stairs, thats right just one flight, without losing my breath.  I want to be able to sit in an airplane seat comfortably.  I want to be able to go to an amusement park and not be afraid that I wont fit in the seats.  I want to be able to go to sleep not afraid that I will not wake up in the morning.  I want to be able to ride a horse.  I want to be able to play with my son outside, instead of suggesting he ask another kid because its too much to run around for me.  I want to be not fat.

So I have decided to kick off my birthday month, with one of many "challenges" that I plan to try.  April will be my no eating out challenge.  No fast food, my McDonalds cheeseburgers with Big Mac sauce, no Burger King whoppers, no Raising Canes chicken, no Filibertos tacos or burritos, nothing that will come to through a window or waiter.  Now I am not saying that this "no eating out" will be forever, no one should expect me to never eat out again.  Life happens, people get married, people have parties, people have birthdays, my husband takes me out, so I know there will be times that I will be dining out, so hopefully in the months to come I can learn to make smarter choices.  Not only will this benefit myself, it will also benefit my family.

Along with no eating out, I will also be doing a "wall sit" challenge.  So as I raise my water bottle, (and I just might be dreaming about mine being beer or wine, haha), I promise to myself that I will work on me, and I will work on making my body the best it can be.